Influence

One of the greatest sources of stress for people is confusing the line between control and influence. If I feel like I have some control over your actions and you behave differently to my expectations, I'll experience frustration and stress. Like a driver who rants at the drivers around them in traffic. They expect people will drive differently, and their rant will make a difference. When it doesn't, they get even more cranky. I understand, and I'm not immune, especially in merging lanes (really Perth how hard is it?) however such rants are ineffective and stressful ways to influence.

We have a choice to influence or not. One way to reduce stress is to limit the amount of people and situations you choose to influence. Pick the ones that are worthwhile and important.

Be aware that the outcome is not in your control. When we exert influence the result may be different than what we expect. Be as clear as possible about the outcome and then hold the expectation lightly for less stress.

If you choose to influence someone, choose the best tactics. Is it a casual conversation? Maybe it's better to involve someone else and influence indirectly. Should it be formal? How much force or incentive is available and what are the long term consequences of those? Is it a one off, like asking someone to move their trolley so you can get past, or one of many with someone close to you? Can you add value to them in some way? Pick the best tactics for the situation.

Next week we'll look at the difference between manipulation and influence.

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More from Mike

Subscribe to Mike’s weekly Unshakable Newsletter here.
Download a 1-page resource on the power of gratitude in Unshakable teams here.
Buy a copy of Mike’s book “Thrive and Adapt” here, or sign in for a complimentary PDF copy

Contact Mike to discuss organisation wide Well-being and Resilience programs that create Unshakable teams:

mike@mikehouse.com.au

+61 423 193 196

What Can You control?

There’s been a theme over the last few weeks – Overwhelm. I have spoken to front line staff and CEOs, and they are all saying that the year has just kicked off but they are already feeling overloaded. Some of the threads are:

• To do lists growing faster than the ability to tick them off.

• Increased scrutiny.

• Growing pressure to justify budgets and approaches.

• Disruptive change

• People working against each other sometimes on the same team.

And more… and all coupled with fatigue and a mind that is hard to still in the whirlwind.

When psychologists study the Survivor Personality, they look for attributes that consistently show up in people who beat the odds. One attribute is they focus on what they can control and make sure they do a cracking job of that. They either ignore things outside their control or are very discerning when exerting energy on things they can’t control.

Stephen Covey mapped 3 layers:

1. Control - the things you can directly control. You take an action and there is a direct result. This ‘bucket’ is generally relatively small. How you prepare, how you work, what you say, think and do are in this bucket. Other people’s actions are generally not.

2. Influence - things you can't directly control, but can have an influence over. Other people’s actions, preparation, opinions etc. fit here.

3. Concern - things you need to pay attention to, but you have no control or influence over.

(Covey articulated it well, but the idea has been around much longer. The Stoics of Ancient Greece and Rome have this as a central theme in their philosophy of life. if you’d like to know more about this very practical philosophy read “Happy” by Derrin Brown)

How does it work? The Pilbara region of WA has just experienced a once in 30-year storm event. If you lived in the path of the storm, damaging winds, and extreme rainfall are in the circle of concern. It’s wise to pay attention, but no amount of effort or worry on your part will change the fact that the storm is coming and will arrive in its own sweet time.

Ideally, we pay attention on things in our concern bucket, but don’t exert emotional energy like worry, fear, or anger over it, because that is wearing and entirely ineffective. Sometimes this is easier said than done, but often it’s simply a matter of deciding that that’s going to be your approach. What are the current ’storms’ in your bucket of concern? Sometimes we also need to consciously remove things from this bucket, especially when overwhelmed. Reserve ‘concern’ space for things that are current and directly relevant to you. Ditch the rest.

Influence in the storm might include encouraging a neighbour to clear up a big pile of scrap in their yard that could become flying missiles when the storm hits. You can influence that, but ultimately you have no control over whether they will clean the yard.

Control is your own preparation and action leading up to and during the storm.

When I am overwhelmed I find these buckets useful as a triage tool. I work out what I can control and focus most of my effort there.

What can you control?

Next week we'll look at ways to make the circle of influence more effective.

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More from Mike

Subscribe to Mike’s weekly Unshakable Newsletter here.
Download a 1-page resource on the power of gratitude in Unshakable teams here.
Join Mike's Thrive and Adapt Workshop in Perth. $50 from each ticket will go to Australian Bushfire Relief.
Buy a copy of Mike’s book “Thrive and Adapt” here, or sign in for a complimentary PDF copy

Contact Mike to discuss organisation wide Well-being and Resilience programs that create Unshakable teams:

mike@mikehouse.com.au

+61 423 193 196

Aiming for Unshakable Part II

Last week we looked at the least effective operating levels on the Unshakable Ladder. Did you find yourself there? Hopefully not this early into a new year. Let’s explore the top side of the ladder.

Resolute

Focussed on production and transactional success. Relies on drive rather than delight. Often impressive results. Perspectives include “mustn’t grumble, turn up, work, get paid, go home, rinse and repeat”. It looks resilient, because people bunker down and get it done. But tension is just below the surface. People find common enemies - the boss, or company, or the greenies, or the regulator. They say their team is fine. It’s ‘us and them’ Silos and bunkers galore. Cooperation, support or collaboration beyond the immediate tribe are extremely unlikely. If challenged or held to account, the blame game starts.

Cost of Resolute:

Time: Polarity. Productive in the immediate group. Wasted as people justify, defend and shift blame to others.

Happiness/engagement: Well-being and resilience are neutral. Individuals often report high engagement, but typically scores are low across the business.

Status: Results and toughness are highly valued.

Money: Isolated returns but broad waste due to lack of cohesion. 

Cohesive

Everyone heading in the same direction. Two draft horses can reputedly pull 3x the load of one. The cohesive team achieves more than the sum of their efforts. They relish working together. The strong focus on individual results, shifts to achieving results together.

Value of Cohesive:

Time: Well spent, efficient. Focussed on long term. Urgency diminishes as proactivity increases.

Happiness/engagement: High. People enjoy the team and the sense of productive purpose. Wellbeing and resilience are high.

Status: People feel a genuine part of something bigger.

Money: ROI increases due to effective and efficient focus on collective results.

Unshakable

Results become secondary. They are still important, in fact keeping score and seeking feedback have greater focus than at other levels. Teams rise above their transactions. They stand genuinely united and deeply committed to each other. Ego and fear are still present but no longer dominate. Teams actively seek to test themselves under pressure. They value growth.

Unshakable teams and people are like self-righting lifeboats. Rough seas might capsize them, but they roll back up and carry on.

Value of Unshakable:

Time: Output is high but rarely feels pressured.

Happiness/engagement: Very high. People feel highly purposeful, valuable and respected. Well-being and resilience are extremely high.

Status: Teams get widely recognised for their results and ways of working together

Money: ROI is massive. Teams are achieving beyond the sum of their efforts.

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More from Mike

Subscribe to Mike’s weekly Unshakable Newsletter here.
Download a 1-page resource on the power of gratitude in Unshakable teams here.
Join Mike's Thrive and Adapt Workshop in Perth. $50 from each ticket will go to Australian Bushfire Relief.
Buy a copy of Mike’s book “Thrive and Adapt” here, or sign in for a complimentary PDF copy

Contact Mike to discuss organisation wide Well-being and Resilience programs that create Unshakable teams:

mike@mikehouse.com.au

+61 423 193 196

Aiming for Unshakable Part I

An Unshakable team is adaptable and relishes challenges. An Unshakable organisation treats resilience and well-being as part of every result.

What’s needed to become Unshakable? The levels apply to individuals, teams, leadership, companies and sectors, and provide some guidance.

Fragile

Pressure causes a tailspin. Many people get dragged into the drama. Restoration is difficult and costly. Scars are felt for years.

I recently spoke to a HSEQ Manager. They had 2 suicides a week apart. Tragic loss of life. Unmeasurable, lifelong impact on their families, friends and peers. Camp was shut down for weeks. A supervisor took 6 months off to deal with grief and feelings of guilt and responsibility. The company was bracing for the 12-month anniversary. This time of year will never be the same for them. Aside from the unmeasurable human costs, there are significant legal and economic risks too. Suicide is a worst-case scenario, but every instance of stress leave, mental illness, loss of focus or rumination on problems has a tail and a cost. People want to get out of the fragile state, but often can’t see how.

Cost of Fragile:

Time: picking up the pieces, holding things together

Happiness/engagement: Well-being and resilience declining. Engagement may seem high as people try to ‘rescue’ each other or the situation, but stress and unhappiness are rising.

Status: People can bond over drama which creates more drama.

Money: Increased cost. Opportunities lost.

Reactive

Like‘whack-a-mole’. No plan, no strategy, trying to stay ahead of the game. Reactive is productive but easy to disrupt. Exhaustion is common - no light at the end of the tunnel. Proactive work goes out the window. Action-oriented people find the rush of ‘fixing on the fly’ addictive. In monotonous environments, reactive feels important and purposeful. Time pressure and addictive appeal can make it hard to shift.

Cost of Reactive:

Time: Wasted on immediate fixes not underlying causes.

Happiness/engagement: Well-being and resilience low. The buzz of overcoming hurdles falls away as stress, lack of progress and exhaustion kick in.

Status: Short term praise for quick fixes. Long term reputation for last minute, chaotic action.

Money: Short, focused bursts for unanticipated workload or issues can be useful. Long term, everything happens on the fly. High turnover, balls dropped, do overs, wasted time – all hurts bottom line.

Where do you and your team lie? 

Next week we’ll look at the more effective levels Resolute, Cohesive and Unshakable.

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More from Mike

Subscribe to Mike’s weekly Unshakable Newsletter here.
Download a 1-page resource on the power of gratitude in Unshakable teams here.
Join Mike's Thrive and Adapt Workshop in Perth. $50 from each ticket will go to Australian Bushfire Relief.
Buy a copy of Mike’s book “Thrive and Adapt” here, or sign in for a complimentary PDF copy

Contact Mike to discuss organisation wide Well-being and Resilience programs that create Unshakable teams:

mike@mikehouse.com.au

+61 423 193 196

Add Gratitude

Gratitude has copped a flogging over the last few years. The world is filled with Insta worthy moments and posts about gratitude. Many of them seem to be staged happiness for public view or overtly ‘rose coloured glasses’.

Reality can be tough. This year family, colleagues, friends and clients have experienced some doozies including:

• Life threatening illness

• Loss of loved ones

• Significant accidents/injuries

• Breakups both personal and business

• Massive financial losses

• Failed projects

• Being shafted by unethical people around them

• And many more.

There’s a good chance people close to you may have experienced one or more of these too.

Life consists of some awesome moments where things are going beautifully, and also uncertainty, challenge, heartache, stress, and occasionally outright survival.

The beauty of gratitude is that it doesn’t require life to be going well. Even in the darkest of times there are things to be grateful for. A growing body of research clearly shows it changes how we think and view the world. Gratitude is not just about the rosy times. It’s an effective tactic on the dirtiest of days in the toughest seasons too.

My wish for you in this festive season is that whether you are currently experiencing the best moments of your life, or some of the worst, you will find some moments of deep gratitude.

Here are some specific ways to Add Gratitude at this time of year...

Service People - Say a genuine thanks for their service in restaurants, bars, transport, shops, entertainment and more. At this time of year service people often bear the brunt of people's frustration. Stop and consider for a moment how this busy time of year is for them and what their service enables you to do. Say thanks and tell them why you are grateful.

Booze Busses - Imagine the impact of looking the cop in the eye and saying "Thanks for the delay - I'm grateful that you are helping keep our streets safe.

For Leaders - Your people! What have you been able to achieve this year with them. You might express gratitude to them individually, or in a card. Maybe you'll do a big function.

For Followers - Your Leaders! Leaders rarely get thanked. It's more common that they will see only the issues and problems that people want them to solve. What opportunities have been created for you by the leaders in your life?

When you get a gift - OK so it's not what you wanted. If all you do is compare your gift to your expectation, you are likely to be disappointed. Be grateful for the time and thought that someone has taken to get you a gift.

Loved Ones - Often the people closest to us see us at our worst. At busy times of year like Christmas, it can seem like you are just plowing through endless lists of things to do. Deliberately set the intention of being kind and gentle to each other. Tell each other why you love them. Take the time to notice and tell them about at least one thing a day that they did to make your life easier, feel more supported, or put a smile on your face.

Yourself - What are some of your greatest strengths and passions? What opportunities have you had? What skills do you possess? What are you learning or contributing?

Connect with Place - Sometimes life throws massive challenges our way. In times like this gratitude can be hard. For many Christmas is a sad and depressing time of year filled with challenges. If that's you, if it's hard to find gratitude in any of the above, then maybe you can find it in this place. Australia is a very safe, very prosperous place compared to many other spots in the world right now. If even that seems too big a stretch for you focus on the micro in the place. Notice trees and their shade, clean drinking water, the song of a bird, warm sun on your back, the smile of a stranger, colours in the sky, the sea and the land, the smell of summer rain, or the first hint of a sea breeze on a hot day.

Research tells us that a daily habit of gratitude profoundly impacts our well-being. It significantly reduces depression, increases resilience, brings genuine happiness, creates a sense of progress and physically rewires our brain for greater creativity, problem solving ability and personal effectiveness. It's one of the easiest, quickest and cheapest gifts we can give ourselves and the people around us. And it also turns out that the impact on our well-being is about the same, regardless of whether we are grateful for big or small things. I could be grateful that I'm not living in Syria right now, or grateful for a silly conversation with my wife that made me laugh. The scale of those things is vastly different, but their impact on me when I am grateful for them is similar.

There's so much to be grateful for, both big and small. All we have to do is take the time to find it.

I hope you and the people around you find many reasons for gratitude that refreshes you, strengthens you and sets you up for a great start to 2020 (I still reckon that sounds like science fiction!).

Losing the Keys

Have you ever lost your keys? It used to be a regular occurrence for me, until I initiated ‘The Bowl’. The bowl sits near the door. It’s not one of those weird party ideas, just a place to store the keys. As long as I am disciplined about putting my keys there, I can always find them. If I don’t, a long search begins. I check yesterday’s pockets and bags. I scour the flat surfaces of the house for anywhere they might have come to rest. I try to recall my movements, where I went and what I did when I came inside.

Time passes. The search becomes more frantic and less effective. Eventually I stop and look properly. Sometimes the search involves my patient wife asking, “Have you checked here or there?”. It doesn’t help. If she joins the search it’s usually over fairly quickly. Maybe a bloke look really is a thing, but I don’t think that’s the full picture. Fresh eyes and perspective make all the difference.

Most of us have lost stuff which we then find incredibly difficult to locate. As we look, we are filtering information using criteria that we are barely conscious of. We look hard where we expect to find them and then glance over less likely spots. During the search, we may look directly at the object, but not see it. It’s all a product of our filters and attention.

 Rational Filtering

Rational filtering can be highly effective but can also be overridden by our emotions and intuition, so if it’s going to be any good, we have to pay attention. When we filter rationally, we switch on the amazing capability of our frontal cortex. We can think, analyse, segment, compare, invent, debate, rationalise, investigate, research and generally do astounding stuff with this part of our brain. It makes use of our skills, training and experience.

Intuitive Filtering

Intuitive filtering is often undervalued and underestimated in our current culture and community. Intuition draws on everything we know. We subconsciously tap into our whole life's worth of experience and arrive at a snap judgment that can be very accurate. It’s often difficult to explain how we came to our conclusion. That can make us question intuitive decisions. Sometimes we’ll decide there’s not enough evidence to support our call. We start to doubt it, and often discredit it. 

Intuition has its limitations. To be effective, it relies on sound experience and knowledge. An inexperienced person may still get strong gut feelings, and there’s a good chance they’ll be ineffective. A strong gut feeling can totally override our rational filters. Intuition can also lead us astray if there are real or perceived threats.

If we feel threatened we are likely to filter reactively. Both rational and intuitive filtering are overridden by Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF).

Reactive Filtering

Reactive filters kick in when FFF is active. We physically see and hear less. As the frontal cortex shuts down we literally get more stupid. When we are filtering reactively:

• we miss more data than usual,

• jump to reactive conclusions, and

• fixate on less data.

Blind Filtering

Blind filtering is what magicians rely on when they practice their art. They direct our attention away from the real action, or just rely on the fact that we are not paying attention. Some research reckons we are not present, or not paying attention, 30-80% of the time. That gives the magician heaps of territory to play in. They exploit our lack of attention to create masterful illusions that seem impossible. It also gives us plenty of ways to torment ourselves with lost items that magically appear later.

Blind filtering happens when our attention is elsewhere. We miss information when we are focused on something else, when we are distracted, or simply not paying attention.  We miss a lot even when we are actively paying attention. Most of the time it’s not a problem, or it’s mildly frustrating - like the keys. But you can hide big and important stuff in those blind spots - stuff you really don’t want to miss.

The problem with ineffective Filtering

Misunderstanding - people draw different conclusions or misinterpret each other and the circumstances. There is confusion about the best interpretation.

Group Think - confirming what we think we know, rather than responding to the circumstances.

Wasted time and resources - many businesses I work with spend significant time and money going back over old ground. Re-hashing decisions, clarifying agreements, re-negotiating. They all cost!

Personal and collective stress.

Blindsides - missing crucial information and getting caught with our pants down. Sometimes we never become aware of what the issue was - we just get taken out of the game.

What are you missing?

Thrive and Adapt Principle – Believe Better

Humans have always been able to imagine a different reality and then bring it into being. It's the source of every innovation we have ever made. Research and anecdotal evidence shows that many people in survival situations stay alive against incredible odds, sometimes even defying medical science. It would be reasonable to think that they are people who are physically tough, or better trained for the situation. The reality is far more interesting – the one thing they have in common is that they believe they will survive.

There's a great example of this in Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand’s biography of Louie Zamparini. Louie was lost at sea on a life raft for 47 days having been shot down over the Pacific in 1943. On the raft were two of Louie's crew mates – Phil and Mac - the only survivors of the crash. The book and subsequent movie is well worth a look.

“Though all three men faced the same hardship, their differing perceptions of it appeared to be shaping their fates. Louie and Phil’s hope displaced their fear and inspired them to work toward their survival, and each success renewed their physical and emotional vigour. Mac’s resignation seemed to paralyse him and the less he participated in their efforts to survive, the more he slipped. Though he did the least, as the days passed, it was he who faded the most. Louie and Phil’s optimism, and Mac’s hopelessness, were becoming self-fulfilling.” Unbroken - Laura Hillenbrand

Ultimately, Mac passed away, while the other two survived their ordeal.

Zamparini believed he would survive. He expected events to unfold to support his belief. He gave his attention to the evidence that suggested he was right, and to the actions that supported his intention to prevail.

How does what you believe about the circumstances you face shape your experience? Is it time to 'upgrade' your beliefs?

Here's a practical example

I was coaching a young woman who was regularly experiencing conflict with her colleagues. She is a dynamic person who sets very high standards for herself and the people around her. Her ineffective belief was, “When people don’t meet the standard, they are doing it deliberately to frustrate me”. She was experiencing lots of frustration and relationships with her peers were fragmented. The harder she tried to exert a standard, the more people felt pushed around and the less inclined they were to cooperate. After some coaching, she chose a more effective belief. “The people around me also want results, they just have a different perspective on what’s important.” She started to ask people what was important to them in their joint projects. For some people, that was enough to create some common ground and they began to pull together in the same direction. For others, there was more work to be done, but her frustration levels working with them dropped.

Sometimes all it takes is to consciously acknowledge your Beliefs and to choose a better one. It’s simple to do, but not necessarily easy. If you are handy with DIY, this worksheet will help identify and shift ineffective beliefs. You may also need to talk to a friend, coach or mentor - sometimes others can see our beliefs more clearly than we can.

If you don't already have someone to help with this sort of thinking, let me know, I'd be delighted to help.

Ancient Mindfulness

A hunter using handmade tools must be completely alert to the smallest signs of prey. A gatherer constantly scans for signs that foods are ripe. Colours, scents, congregations of birds, or insects all point to food. For our ancestors, a full belly was preceded by mindfulness. Distraction was a perfect recipe for an empty plate. Many traditional cultures were also mindful of the sustainability of their food supply - Seasonal Mindfulness. Many considered their impact on their children’s children - Generational Mindfulness. I reckon we are deeply drawn to mindfulness, because we understand instinctively that we do better when we are fully present and focused.

Viewed through the eyes of our ancestors, mindful clarity seems like an essential survival skill. In our time-pressured world that same clarity seems critical to Thrive and Adapt when faced with constant change and uncertainty.

And it needn’t take too much time. People have precious little of that already. I don’t know anyone, in any role, who is sitting around with their feet up, wondering what to do with all the spare time they have. The transitions between our many roles get more abrupt with less time to reset between them.

Some transitions you might make today:

• Sleeping to awake

• Alone to interacting with others in your home

• Passive to active

• From ‘home self’ to ‘work self’ (clothing, thinking, body language, etc)

• From the comfort of home into the ‘world out there’

• Into and out of transit (cars, trains, bikes, taxis, buses etc.)

• Planning to action

• Action to review

• Into a meeting

• Self-directed to directed by a boss/team/task/customer

• From following to leading

• Into and out of decision-making

Which transitions create the greatest challenges for you?

Which do you slip into without really thinking?

Some transitions are massive, like entering a really important once-in-a-lifetime conversation. Others are small and mundane, sometimes deceiving us with their simplicity and commonality. At each transition pressure can build or dissipate. Each is an opportunity to reset our energy and intention. Or, we can be swept along over the waves and reefs of life, being pushed by circumstances, rather than being in control. If we don’t deal with the tension created at each transition, it builds.

In the short-term, that build-up makes life and work less pleasant and effective than they could be. In the long-term, all those moments potentially add up to one big reckoning, when something big and important gives way, and we are forced to face their accumulation all at once. People face them daily in the form of major health challenges, failed relationships, projects, and businesses. Some pay with their life.

How do you deal with the big and small transitions of your day?

Here's a tool for clarity, presence and focus in the middle of moments of pressure or transition.

Thriving Under Pressure

People who Thrive and Adapt fully accept and face the circumstances they are in. They recognise what they can control and what they can’t. They don’t waste energy on things they can’t change. Thrivers recognise the flow of what is happening around them and use it to their advantage. They take action, solve problems and take responsibility for the outcomes.

Thrivers create calm and opportunity for themselves and others. They are highly effective in any circumstances they face. They are constantly seeing, shifting and doing - hunting for the most effective way forward.

Feeling the pressure…

Capt. Richard De Crespigny was the pilot in charge of Qantas Flight QF32 out of Singapore bound for Sydney when the Number 2 engine blew up. The damage was extensive and rendered the plane barely flyable. The workload in the cockpit was immense. De Crespigny was literally flying for his life and those of the other 364 passengers and crew aboard. It was definitely a survival situation. De Crespigny’s clear, cool-headed leadership helped the crew sort through an unprecedented situation and cockpit workload. He focused on what was working and what they could control, thereby avoiding the distraction of the many potential disasters beyond their ability to fix. They pulled off an almost miraculous landing with no loss of life.

It’s a great example of an Adaptor at work! DeCrespigny’s book “QF 32” is well worth a read and has many lessons for dealing with pressure and leadership under pressure.

You can download a summary here.

How do you adapt to pressure?

What can you control in your current circumstances?

A Daily Lesson in Survival

Every day I see someone pick up their phone while driving. The instant they do, they enter a survival situation.

Research by Professor Dingus in Virginia quantified this. He says, “Taking your eyes off the road to dial a cell phone or look up an address and send a text increases the risk of crashing by 600 to 2,300 per cent.

If people were genuinely aware of this risk, they would never pick up the phone on the road. It is a genuine, life-at-risk survival situation. To take the risk, there’s got to be a lack of acknowledgement of the circumstances they are in. Either a sense that, ‘I’m so bloody good at driving, this risk doesn’t apply to me’ or ‘The traffic is cruisey, I’ve got heaps of space and time’. There are only three possible outcomes.

1. A near miss - this is the best possible outcome. It might shake the driver out of their complacent denial.

2. A sudden, violent reminder that Phone + Driving = Accident. This is, at the very least destructive, always traumatic and in the worst-case scenario, fatal. Definitely a bad outcome.

3. The driver gets away with it, reinforcing their delusion - this significantly increases the future potential for 1 or 2 to occur. The fact the driver got away with it increases their sense that they are not in a survival situation. They are more likely to do it again, in increasingly busy traffic conditions, and for longer periods of time.

All survival states are like this. The risk may not be directly to life or limb. It might be measured in financial or relationship terms, but lack of decisive and timely action will inevitably lead to a confrontation with the risk. What critical situations do you face but chose to ignore? Where might your blindspots be?

Reference. Dingus, T, Hanowski, R and Klauer, S “Estimating Crash Risk: Accident data must be considered in the context of real-world driving if they are to lead to realistic preventive behavior”. Human factors and Ergonomics Society, 2011

Adapting Under Pressure

In 2004, I was part of specialist survival crew for the Pilbara grand finale of Pushed to the Limit a BBC reality show to find Britain’s toughest family. We gave the two final families a few days of survival training and set them off on a multi-day survival challenge. It was tough. It was hot. They were far from their comfort zone.

Each family had two adults and two under 18 years old. One family was a single mum, 21-year-old daughter, 16-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter. The 14-year-old was the stand out example of adaption for the week.

On a particularly tough day they walked many kilometres along a river in the Pilbara. They’d done it hard, making many mistakes and errors of judgement that sapped their energy and stacked the deck against them. They were on the verge of giving up. Mum had been the stalwart leader of the team, but was exhausted. She had carried 15 litres of water all day even though they were walking beside large fresh water pools. Even with the abundance of water she was badly dehydrating herself. The family lost their compass and flint. Confusion about navigation and inability to light a fire added to the pressure. Late in the day they dropped their tin can, losing their ability to purify water by boiling and make a cup of tea (tea is a great way to create a sense of control and familiarity under duress).

The family began to fragment. The 16-year-old son became a constant burden to the rest of the group and was pushing them to pull out of the contest.

At one of the checkpoints they were met by Chris Ryan (ex-special forces and BBC host) who got stuck into them about their poor performance. The 14-year-old burst into tears, followed by others in the family. It was a low point for all of them and looked like it might be the end of their story.

A short while later the 14-year-old daughter made a massive adaption. She lifted her head and dried her tears. She reflected on Ryan’s feedback with the family and decided that they needed to lift their game. She stepped up to lead the family. For the rest of the scenario she drove leadership, planning, support and motivation. She held the family together and rallied them through their toughest moments.

In that moment, and for the rest of the course she was an Adaptor, taking full responsibility for her results and rallying her family to do the same. She made no excuses, and was prepared to fully face the circumstances. She was prepared to carry others if necessary. Pulling out was no longer on her radar. She brought strength and certainty to a difficult situation. Her family made it to the finish line largely because of her leadership.

Circumstances

There are three types of circumstance we can face at any time. We can influence them but we can’t really control them.

They all have their time and place. When we approach them with awareness we can handle any of them well.

Some of the greatest issues are caused when people, teams or organisations are facing one circumstance but think, feel and act as if they are facing another.

As If…

I’ve met many people, teams and businesses who are not facing actual survival circumstances, but think, feel and act as if they are. That adds significant stress and drama to themselves, the people around them and the situation they are in. An imagined survival state can rapidly turn into a real one due to stress, poor decision-making and inappropriate action.

Similarly, there are people, teams and businesses who are facing survival, but think, feel and act as if they are not. Total denial. One risk is that they get abruptly, brutally and unexpectedly blindsided - perhaps taken out of the game entirely. An even bigger risk is that the situation passes, leaving them unscathed. This just adds to their denial, leaving them at even greater risk.

Neutral states are pretty cruisey and are often a chance to catch a breather.

Abundant states, due to their rapid pace, can leave people feeling as if they are in survival. As a result, they miss the abundant opportunities around them.

What circumstances are you currently facing? What are the indicators of that? The more clearly you see what you are facing the more adaptable your response.

How effectively do you see?

What motivates you?

I was recently asked what lead me to do the work I do. The answer is multi layered and it’s been a lifetime journey. This 2 minute video is part of the story. What motivates you?

Resistance to Change

Humans are actually really good at change. Our drive to make things better and easier has been one of the key success factors for our species. And yet so often there is resistance to change, even when we know it is a good thing we are trying to implement. The source of resistance is rarely explored, but if you can identify it clearly, it’s much more likely you will succeed!

Stilling the whirlwind

I tossed and turned. It didn’t seem to matter what what position I lay in, I couldn’t get to sleep. My mind was a whirlwind of activity . It churned with ideas and sequences for an upcoming workshop with a new client. I tossed and turned some more, eventually falling asleep, only to spring awake almost immediately. It was as if the whirlwind had prodded me awake. After a while a thought adds to the whirlwind, “If this keeps up, I’ll be shattered tomorrow!”. It adds to the stress. The more I try, the less I sleep.

When I talk to my coaching clients, I’m not alone in finding it hard to relax and switch off sometimes. 

It seems we get the “whirlwind” from 3 categories:

• Stressful thoughts about things yet to be completed, things that make us worried or anxious, overload, tight timelines, big decisions…

• Creative thoughts like big ideas, great solutions, new directions…

• Processing thoughts like when you have learned something new and your mind is filled with it and how it fits with other things you know…

Fortunately, the Guerrilla Mindfulness tactic can be really effective in those moments.

Guerrilla Mindfulness is:

• 3 long, slow rhythmic breaths

• Acknowledge how you feel

• Clarify your intention

When I can’t sleep for the whirlwind I use it this way:

1. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing. Make the breaths in and out the same each time. Breathe into your belly. To do that, ‘lock’ the muscles of your ribs together and let your belly expand and contract with each breath. Try to keep your ribcage still as you breathe in and out. Let the belly fill and empty. Breathing this way is deeply relaxing.

2. Acknowledge how you feel, without getting into the story of why. You might be stressed, anxious, frustrated, excited, or curious. Use as few words as you can to describe your feelings. Acknowledging your feelings in this way reduces the stress hormones in your system.

3. Be clear about your intent - it might be ‘I’m going to park this for now, relax and sleep.”

4. Go back to breathing into your belly - slow, deep, rhythmic. I usually find I’m asleep before I count 7 cycles. If the whirlwind interrupts your breathing, be kind to yourself. Gently notice the thoughts and return your attention to breathing. Even if you don’t sleep, your gentle focus on the breath will have you more relaxed tomorrow than a night with the whirlwind.

Sometimes you’ll wake up again during the night with the whirlwind spinning again. Rinse and repeat as often as you need to. I also find it helpful to do a quick brain dump into a notebook to get the whirlwind off my mind.

And of course, if you find yourself getting stuck in a pattern of long term sleeplessness, seek help.

Next time, we’ll talk about using Guerrilla Mindfulness when you need to be switched on and ready for action.

Feel Like a Vending Machine - Ask More Questions.

Many leaders feel like a vending machine. Staff come to them with problems. They dispense solutions. It's exhausting and keeps leaders down in the weeds, rather than focussed on higher level thinking and work. The article I wrote about it hit a nerve and provoked some questions. Over the next few weeks, we'll explore some tips for getting out of the 'vending machine' cycle.

One of the easiest ways to break the cycle is ask more questions. Questions help you and your staff think through the issue and understand it. From your point of view, you want to be able to offer assistance (if it's genuinely needed) without bailing people out too easily. From their point of view, assisting them to think about the issue increases their understanding and ultimately their capacity. For both of you, the process builds greater trust and understanding making future issues and delegated tasks easier to tackle.

Here are some great questions to ask. You don't need all of them every time. One or two insightful questions create the space for your staff member to come up with their own solutions. They also identify what your most useful contribution to the issue, or your staffs development might be. Even if it is an issue that needs input from you, ask some questions first. It establishes an expectation that staff will think for themselves, and that you value/trust their input. The three questions in bold italics are almost always worth asking.

• Who is involved in this issue? Who does the issue impact the most? Who would benefit from a solution? Are there any people this impacts who may not be aware of it yet? Who raised the issue? Who do we need to communicate with as we work on a solution?
• When did you become aware of this? Are there any significant or critical timeframes we need to consider?
• Where are the resources you need? Do you have access to them?
• How would you solve the problem? 
• Why is this important to you/us/the company/our stakeholders? Why do you need my assistance?
• What is the impact if it isn't solved? What would it take to solve it? What resources/connections/networks would help? What attempts have you made to solve the issue? What do you think would be the most effective solution? What barriers (if any) are there to you doing that?

Go on - Unplug that vending machine!

Leading like a Vending Machine

Do your staff keep expecting you to have all the answers and solve all the problems? Do you wish they would show a bit more initiative and try to solve their own problems? Does the constant flow of requests from your team add to your daily pressure and work load? If you answered yes to any of those questions, perhaps you are leading like a vending machine. Over the years I have  coached many leaders who experience this issue. I coined the phrase "Vending Machine Manager". 

Staff come to the Vending Machine Manager and punch in a request "B4". The machine shakes and rattles a bit. There's a couple of clunking sounds. Out of the flap pops the perfect answer or solution to their problem. It's cool and it's sweet. Next time they have a problem, they remember how easy it was. How cool and sweet it was. Back they come. They punch in "A9", and walk away satisfied. Before long, the Vending Machine Manager has a constant flow of traffic wearing out the floor in front of their work station. "D7", Clunk, WooHoo. "F2" Clunk, WooHoo. "B6"Clunk, WooHoo. On and on it goes - and your workload continues to grow.

From a survival point of view, humans are designed to find the easiest return for energy expended. The Vending Machine Manager plays straight into the hands of that design. To change the dynamic you need to move from dispensing answers to building capacity. Work with your team to build their own knowledge and skill. Make them experts in their own right. If you keep vending, they'll keep coming. Change the game!

Banking for the Future

What's it like being on the team you are on? The experience can be dynamic and productive. A great team performs well, exceeding the results that any one member could achieve. Other teams get in their own way. When the objectives are not clear and people are not pulling their weight, a team can add work and confusion. 2017 has been dominated with discussions about teams for me. Leaders and team members have been tackling the ingredients for high performance and also dysfunction. Over the next few weeks I'll share a series of insights about teams from both sides.

"You have to bank for the future and trust that will get you through the challenges"

Picture this:

The sector you are in is facing the largest change it has seen in 40 years. There's widespread optimism about the change, but also lots of confusion. The big picture looks compelling but for some individual staff and customers it's not great. People are looking for answers and they are not always available - not because anyone is trying to mislead - simply because many things are still on the drawing board. The nature of jobs is changing. Employees are dealing with their own uncertainty while facing a barrage of customer uncertainty and angst. 

One leader reflected on the unofficial nature of some of the teams he is leading. Groups of people who are held together more by relationships and common ground, than because they are an actual team. He spoke of "banking" trust and reliability. Doing the right thing consistently. Following through on promises. 

In an environment that is totally relationship based these are the only tools available to make the team perform. They are powerful tools and in a more formal team setting they often get overlooked.

How do you build trust within your team? I reckon the most powerful way to influence trust is to consistently do what you say you will do. Regardless of whether you are a leader, or a team member, backing yourself in this way creates a sense of certainty and reliability around you. "Banking" credit in relationships will help when the team faces challenges. 

HUH? - Digital Dialogue

The beep of an incoming message had me reaching for my phone. New text message. From a colleague and mate. Like me, he helps people get better at understanding each other and communicating better. The communication between us is some of the best work place comms I have ever experienced. Clear, precise and with each of us checking we have an actual understanding, rather than just an assumed one.

We'd exchanged a few short txts to clarify details of a meeting. We were pretty much done, so I expected his last message would be a simple confirmation.

So the txt baffled me. It was long. It was filled with heaps of detail about the meeting. It seemed to have an impatient tone about it - which would be fair enough. We'd been through the detail days ago.

I started quizzing myself about what it meant. I imagined him feeling frustrated, and wondered if the level of trust we had built had been damaged somehow. I felt mildly angry - does he think I'm stupid, or disorganised? Maybe both.

I sent back:

THANKS FOR THE DETAILS, I ALREADY HAVE ALL THAT. WAS THERE A REASON YOU SENT IT?

His reply:

YES. YOU SENT ME 2 QUESTION MARKS

All of a sudden it was clear. He was responding to uncertainty from my end. But I had not sent 2 question marks. I had sent 2 thumbs up emojis, universally understood in our part of the world as "ALL GOOD".

Somewhere in the mobile network/smart phone universe my "ALL GOOD" had changed to "HUH?"

It was a moment when both of us could have acted on our frustration and sent messages back and forth that made the situation muddier and inserting little needles of damage into our otherwise excellent comms.

I often say that friction, tension or conflict, however slight, are an indication that there are different perspectives at play. Sometimes it also means blind spots are being created. If you become aware of of tension, friction or conflict pause and notice how you might react - I was on the verge of slightly crisp and sarcastic response to his txt. Switch on your curiosity and see if you can understand where the other person is coming from. Curiosity will create clarity.

And beware the emoji - regardless of what you meant, who knows what comes out the other side.

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place”

— George Bernard Shaw