Kindness

Our local open spaces look great. Today I saw why. A young city staff member was flat out with a rake and blower piling up and then picking up autumn leaves and rubbish. Without her efforts I reckon it would be knee deep. I paused on my morning walk and said “Thanks, the place looks great.” She smiled.

I’ve been reminded a lot lately about the impact of kindness. It’s easy, especially if we are stressed, to be short with others or overly focused on problems and criticism. At its worst, this can even be people making personal attacks. I certainly don’t always get this right. However small those harsh moments, they have a negative impact.

Christine Porath and Christine Pearson have investigated the impact of incivility (unkindness) in the workplace for decades. Their findings are profound. Even small moments directly impact people's mental health, productivity, customer service and the bottom line. Being kind is not only the decent human thing to do, but it makes good business sense too.

At the moment, many people across sectors are feeling fatigue, stress and pressure. One of the practical things we can do to impact this is set the intent of kindness, and follow it with action.

Ask yourself:

• When, how and with whom am I most likely to be harsh?

• In what simple ways can I demonstrate kindness today?

• How can I be kinder to myself?

If you’d like some specific suggestions, let me know.

Starts, Slog, Summit

I climbed Mt Kinabalu in East Malaysia a number of years ago. There were parallels with every big undertaking I have experienced. Maybe you’ll see some links to professional and personal undertakings too.

There’s several starts I reckon. The idea of Kinabalu came from a magazine article and then a conversation with a friend who had done the climb. The first start is dreaming about it, rolling the possibility around in your mind. You imagine what it will be like. There’s no commitment yet, but there is attraction and excitement about the idea.

Start 2 is deciding to go for it. It unleashes a bunch of energy for planning and logistics. There’s action toward the climb although the mountain is still far away.

The point of psychological no return is another start. It normally happens some way into the actual climb. It’s a moment when you realise there’s no turning back. It’s very different from the decision to do it. I usually encounter doubt at this threshold - Have I got what it takes? Why am I doing this? What if I fail? These thoughts and more cause a spike of stress. (More on that another time). Once ‘no return’ is accepted, it feels like commitment increases and I’m all in. For leaders, not that this moment usually occurs at different times and for different reasons for the individuals that make up a team. Recognising the moment, and supporting people as they cross the threshold is a massive piece in creating alignment for significant projects.

At the beginning there is an abundance of energy. You can see the summit, and the reasons for climbing have not yet been tested by the hard work it takes to do it. Kinabalu has over 20000 rough steps built or carved into the rock. At some point you lose sight of the summit, and start to notice the thinning air. It’s a slog. In places you can see less than 100 metres ahead. I took to tackling 10 steps at a time. Small, achievable bites. It felt endless. It would be easy to turn back or lose hope at this point. Maybe you’ve noticed that moment in a big professional undertaking - losing sight of the end, and maybe the reason you set out in the first place, you struggle to take the next step. Bite size it, push on, remind yourself (and others) of why.

Eventually you break through the jungle and cloud and see the summit again. At this stage there’s still work ahead, but you know you'll make it. Eventually you stand at the pinnacle, enjoy the view and start thinking about what’s next. Celebrate those moments. You earned it!

Field of Play

“The ideal solution is re-stump the house. That would cost around $80K. I don’t think it’s worth it. We can stabilise the structure and achieve a reasonable result for way less, but It won’t be perfect. Let’s discuss the compromises and consequences of the cheaper version to make sure you’ll be happy with the result”

Harry the Chippy

“We have clarity about the features that must be included at launch. These cannot be compromised. If needed we’ll delay launch until we can deliver them. Then there’s features that are essential to long term success. It would be great to have them at launch, but we won’t delay for them. We’ll likely release them over the first few months of the platform being live. Finally there’s our wish list, features that would make the product match our dream. For now we can’t be distracted by these. We can build them as we build success.”

Mike the Software CEO

Both these are examples of a leader doing one of the most effective things to reduce uncertainty - they are bringing clarity to the field of Play. Imagine a sporting team trying to focus its effort without knowing the rules of the game or boundaries of the arena. It would be chaos.

As a leader, especially in uncertainty, one of your main roles is to clarify the field of play.

Like a Lighthouse

My mate Jeremy Watkins reckons we have the wrong idea of clarity in leadership. People commonly think of clear glass or water when picturing clarity. Jeremy says a lighthouse in heavy fog is a more useful concept. The lighthouse can't help you see in the fog, but it can show the way and mark the rocks. Good leaders do that by distilling purpose and challenges down to a few clear pieces that their teams can action.

In a recent workshop with senior leaders I saw this in action. We generated a large page of current challenges. Some impact their whole sector, some unique to their organisation. It was a lot. The page was overwhelming. But they can't afford to ignore any of it. Every item is mission critical in some way. Ignorance, far from being bliss, could spell ruin.

One leader had a lighthouse moment. “This all boils down to 4 themes”, she said. She nailed it! The page didn't change but there was a palpable sense of relief and clarity about what they needed to do about it. That clarity will flow on to the whole organisation. It's much easier to make and communicate a clear plan for 4 themes than it is for the 100 plus items on the original page.

Could your organisation benefit from clarity like that? In what areas? What would the impact be of achieving it? How will you create the time and space to reach it? It’s unlikely to emerge from the fog on its own. Be the lighthouse.

Making it Right

I showed the plumber a mishmash of 5 pipe connectors roughly glued together. I asked him what he thought it was. ‘Crappy Reticulation?’ was his best guess. Not even close! It was part of the main water connection to our house and no where near compliant with any standard past or present.  The carpenters accidentally broke the pipe which was buried barely a hand span below ground.

The carpenters could have done a quick repair and hidden the issue, but instead pointed it out potentially saving major problems later. 

The desire to do a high quality job outweighed fear of repercussions from admitting the damage and highlighting the substandard system. That’s an admirable attribute of the business owner. I’d also briefed him that I was expecting to find some hidden problems and wanted to rectify them while work was being done so he was not expecting a negative reaction for raising it. Combined with his preference of service over personal comfort, it's a perfect recipe for a great outcome. 

People don't speak up when they feel there will be blow back. Sayings like ‘No one got fired for silence’ and ‘Better safe than sorry’ give clues about the challenges of creating an open environment in work places.

Have you ever maintained your silence even when you knew you should speak up? If so, what risks were you weighing up? 

If you are a leader, how sure are you that people would be comfortable and willing to raise issues, suggest improvements or ask questions? If there are gaps, what risks do they cause?

Flight Test

“Suddenly the plane dove straight toward the ground. Pulling on the controls made no difference and we were quickly gaining speed. I methodically reversed the last thing I did and reduced the flap. The plane levelled out immediately.” This was one of many hair-raising stories an old mate of mine told about his time test flying aircraft. I’m building a plane in my back shed. Test flying is one of many things I need to get my head around. 

There’s a lengthy process of checking and double checking everything before the plane ever leaves the ground. All of it is designed to make the first flight as safe and effective as possible. Launching without a plan could definitely be a career limiting move! 

Psychological Safety is like that too. It creates a workplace people want to be part of and where great results can be achieved. When we can minimise the surprises in how people act/react, we can work more closely. A couple of good starting points are:

• Treat each other kindly regardless of how difficult the issues you are facing.

• Play the problem, not the person.

Behaving this way creates certainty between people, even when the operating environment is uncertain.

What others would you add?

That’s a great question…

“If you want a better answer, ask a better question”

I ask a lot of questions. I reckon it’s a key leadership skill to ask more than tell.

Often people say “Great Question, do you mind if I use it?”. I’m always delighted to share! A great question has a way of slicing through layers and revealing new insight.

There’s no doubt that using questions well is a worthy skill to develop.

Here’s some tips

• Collect good questions. Any time you hear a great question, record it somewhere. Make some notes about why it resonated.

• Ask yourself Where might you use it and why?

• While the question is important, it’s far more important to be genuinely curious about the answer.

• Ask generously. Questions are often used as traps to convince people or make them look/feel uniformed (politics is a great place to look for examples of this). Ask with the intent to explore.

• Make it safe to answer. We sometimes judge people by their answers. Small sounds of disapproval, eye rolls, telling them they are wrong etc are easy ways to put people off.

I’m always happy to share questions. How can I claim ownership of something that has probably been asked before? Many of the questions I use are collected from somewhere and I can’t always point to the source. I’d rather share them and encourage others to get good at asking too.

What's the best question you have ever been asked? Why did it have such a memorable impact? How could you use that question, or a version of it in your leadership today?

Grinding the Gorge

“If we are where you say we are, that wall should be north of us,” he said.

I agreed, it was an obvious statement. We’d been looking at the map, confirming where we were. He pulled out the compass and pointed it at the wall. South! My brain did back flips as I assimilated the info. I was horribly wrong about where we were, and we were way off course!

How did it get so bad? We’d been walking for a while assuming everything was OK.

In hindsight I caused it all. I’d set up an environment where there was little opportunity for input from others and low incentive to offer it. Even though the mistake cost everyone effort and miles of walking, it was a long time before anyone spoke up. Perhaps you’ve been in leadership situations like that… Wishing someone had said something earlier. 

So what were the causes

• Arrogant overconfidence. I’d been navigating on land, sea and air, plus underwater for years. I taught classes on the topic. I knew my stuff and was technically good. I felt like I couldn’t go wrong and that got me fixated on my assumptions rather than open and curious. 

• Man with the plan. People defaulted to me as the ‘guy with the answers’ because I quickly took control and started moving.

• No Space. The pace left no room for questions. Even if people were unsure, stopping to ask a question would have felt like impeding forward progress (we had some ambitious destination targets). If the ‘question’ was a niggling uncertainty rather than a clearly formed concern, it would risk looking foolish in front of the group. When we stopped for a break, someone had time to look, think, examine the map and ask a question, but before then it would have been hard.

• No feedback loops. As a group we did nothing to establish how we would work together. We just flew into action. Spending some time doing this would have saved us hours of pointless walking.

If your people are not contributing ideas, voicing concerns, suggesting improvements and bringing their best, it’s worth asking:

“What am I doing to make it difficult for people to do that?”

If you have a trusted advisor you might like to ask them the same question and listen to the answer.

Leaders set the tone for the team.

Seamless Traffic?

The first time I drove in an Asian city, I almost caused a massive pile up. I was waiting for a gap to pull out onto a major road, but there were no gaps. Here, we wait for a gap and accelerate into it to cause minimum disruption to the flow. We mostly pay attention to the traffic that is coming, not what has passed. 

Eventually a small gap appeared, but it was tight. I floored it and all hell broke loose. Tyres squealed as brakes locked. Horns blared and voices shouted. A motorcycle came perilously close to crashing as the rider changed lanes, not expecting my violent acceleration. I joined the traffic and tried to settle the adrenaline. Clearly, what I had done was not the right way to do it. The traffic seemed completely chaotic and unpredictable. It seemed impossible to drive safely.

After a bit of observation I spotted the pattern. People would pull into the flow s-l-o-w-l-y, often not even looking at the oncoming traffic. The traffic would merge and flow around them, creating space. In an environment that appeared to have no rules, the rule was “Watch out for the people in front of you”. The random chaos suddenly made more sense and driving became much easier (and safer).

The key is consistency. Whenever we drive or cross a street, we rely on others being consistent. Staying left, giving way, merging (except here in Perth) are all consistent and therefore fairly predictable pieces of behaviour. In another city, you have to work out what consistency looks like. Without it traffic would be impossible.

It’s like that if you want to create a great work environment too - one where people bring the best of themselves and work cohesively for excellent results. If the environment is inconsistent, the result is anxiety. People will spend more time working out how to keep themselves safe, than delivering results. How do you spot it at work?

• High turnover.

• People blaming others, or external circumstances when work doesn’t happen.

• Sickies.

• No one speaks up. Except after the pre start, meeting, safety session or brainstorm, they are in huddles in the corridor talking about what BS that was.

• Tribal lines between teams, sometimes actively working against each other.

• Implementation fatigue which sounds like “that will never work”, “we’ve tried that before”, “You don’t understand”, “That’s impossible without better (tools, budget, leaders, etc)”.

• People being unkind - harsh words, criticism, gossip, personal attack.

The best thing you can do as a leader is be consistent and encourage your team to be as well. The ‘road rules’ might be different for a construction crew compared to an office team, but consistency is the key.

How could you be more consistent?

Testing...testing

Small tweaks ideally happen all the time. Those changes to systems, approaches and thinking that come from observing ourselves, peers and competition in relation to our work. But sometimes a big change is required… David Lloyd George, Prime Minister of Britain during WWI said, “Don’t be afraid to take a large step where one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small leaps.” I love the imagery that evokes!

Small changes can be a fantastic practice ground for bigger steps. Great leaders use the smaller moments to create a sense of safety to suggest or make changes. They can become like mini dress rehearsals for:

• Being open to and encouraging of new ideas

• Robust discussion about the merits of new ideas

• A cadence of testing stuff to see if it has merit

When a big step is needed, this practice may well be what makes the difference.

This is a set up? - 3 keys to feeling safe.

I put the document in my desk drawer and locked it, taking care to remove the key. The document wasn’t particularly sensitive or contentious, but in the current environment it could be used against me. Trust was at an all time low. One of our leaders was setting factions against each other. Information was being stolen and manipulated to favour some and disadvantage others. People had lost their jobs as a result of blatantly manipulated information. 

There was no such thing as open conversation, sharing of ideas, or collective problem solving. Dog eat dog. It’s the most extreme environment I have ever worked in. 

I reckon leaders mostly operate with good intent, rather than being actively malicious. Sometimes though, our actions can create unintended impacts on Psychological Safety.

Here are three ways you can rapidly influence it.

1. Clarity - What's the overall purpose and direction? What is each person's role, responsibility and scope of authority? What are our priorities tactically and strategically? What does success look like? If any of this is unclear, it can easily feel as if the goal posts are shifting. It adds uncertainty.

2. Respect Hierarchy - When leaders bypass direct reports to task people further down the hierarchy, the people in the middle feel like they aren’t trusted. Same happens when leaders routinely step in to deal with problems or complaints from further down the hierarchy. Clarity makes this significantly easier.

3. Responsibility - When teams look for scapegoats anytime problems arise or mistakes are made, the result is mediocrity. People tend to operate in a way that doesn’t attract attention. Finger pointing hardens the boundaries between silos and reduces willingness for collaborative work. Great questions to ask (and encourage others to ask) are ‘How have I (or my team) contributed to the issue?’ ‘How can I/we contribute to a solution?’ What is the best outcome in relation to our clear direction and priorities?’ 

When these 3 are missing, people often feel as if there is deliberate action against them, even if there is no direct malicious intent.

How do you know it’s true?

Facadism was a term coined by Megan Reitz and John Higgins, researchers in leadership and organisational change. It describes the outward appearance and dialogue not matching reality.For example, VW who were claiming world leading emission standards, only to be discovered ‘gaming’ emissions computers, or some Australian Banks during the Royal Commission who claimed to be acting for the financial well being of customers, but were ripping them off in overt and hidden ways.

Facadism is a massive issue when it comes to Psychological Safety. Leaders saying that they welcome new ideas and quality feedback often wonder why no one takes them up on it. It’s often a mismatch between what is said and what is actually done about it. 

It takes more than words as leaders. The actions have to line up. These researchers found that leaders overestimate how well they are hearing their employees (and probably customers). It's one of the reasons that leaders who regularly ‘walk the floor’ are effective. They are visibly bridging the gap, meeting people in their domain and creating spaces for conversations. You know the language of a business is true when the actions match the words.

What can you do today to connect the words your company uses with your personal actions as a leader? How can you be more visible and approachable? When was the last time you set out to ask and listen rather than tell?

If you’d like more on this topic, Higgins and Reitz were interviewed by Brene Brown here.

Breathing Space

When was the last time what you said was misinterpreted? What was the impact?

A coaching client told a member of his team months ago that he didn’t have time right now to look at something for them. He was overloaded. His intent was to have the person bring it to him later in the day. He was mortified to find that months later the team member thought he meant, “I don’t care about your problems or workload - deal with them yourself.” He wasn’t aware of the impact until he had to intervene in a problem that couldn’t be solved by the team member alone.

It’s a great example of how easily psychological safety can be damaged. Even though he and the team member have discussed it and reset, it will take a while before she feels entirely comfortable bringing problems forward. A lot is riding on his reactions to the first few.

In my latest book (Un)shakeable, one of the leaders I interviewed passed on a lesson from a mentor who was head of MI5 in the Middle East during a significant conflict. The essence of the advice was:

“You always have at least a minute to think (if not, it’s probably a ‘duck for cover’ situation). A minute may not seem like enough, but run a stopwatch. 60 seconds is a decent amount of time to think if it’s used well. And the minute you spend thinking will have a greater impact on the outcome than taking immediate action.”

Creating breathing space like that, especially when you and your team are under serious pressure, is a great way to reduce actions that damage the psychological safety of the team.

How can you create breathing space in your day?

Outwit, Outlast, Outplay

The tagline from TV’s “Survivor” reality show is a near perfect recipe for removing psychological safety. The show is notorious for alliances and manipulations as people attempt to win.

Alliances claim to be loyal to each other, but more often than not there are multiple layers of manipulative play going on with everyone ultimately vying for the final place.

People do these things often on the show:

• Take credit when things are going well

• Blame others when things aren’t going well

• Talk about people when they are not there, and speculate about their loyalty and actions

• Throw people under the bus whenever it is expedient

• Seed uncertainty and mistrust in conversations and actions.

If you want a psychologically safe workplace where people have each other's backs and are willing to share resources, ideas and concerns, do the opposite.

Make it Purposeful

What’s the point?

There was a period last year where my work felt pointless. There was lots to do. There were good and valid reasons for all of it. But it felt pointless. I talked to a mentor about it, because at its worst it felt like dragging an anchor chain up a hill. He reconnected me to Purpose - At its best my work makes a difference. I’m all about raising people’s capacity to lead, and raise the capacity of others. When I lost sight of purpose everything felt like hard labour. With purpose in view, doing the same work makes sense and feels compelling.

Over the past few weeks I have been working with leaders who are mired in a huge volume of work. Many are dealing with the impact of COVID on rostering and service standards. For my clients in aged care, disability support and emergency response there are serious and severe consequences when teams are compromised.

Several have described exactly what I was feeling last year. Their work feels wearing and endless, with little sense of connection to purpose. For each of them, taking a bit of time to reestablish clarity of purpose and link the current transactional grind to it has added a boost to energy and brought a sense of joy back to the work.

How’s your work/purpose connection looking right now?

Gratitude for Strong Women

Some of my male ancestors are recorded in history as explorers. They took part in official and recorded voyages of science and discovery. I reckon I get some of my adventurous spirit from them… And from my Grandmothers, too. While the men of their era had opportunities to officially explore, both my grandmothers had massively adventurous spirits. They would regularly head off unannounced to explore and discover, especially in their later years when they had less social expectations to run a household, raise children, cover domestic tasks and often additional work on farms or in offices in between. 

Both encouraged me to discover and explore in physical terrain and in ideas. While neither said it outright, there was a sense of not wanting me to waste any moment available to look over the next hill. In different times, without the bias of expected gender based roles, I can imagine both of them heading up a major adventure with discovery as its theme. It would have been beautiful to see. 

On International Women’s Day I acknowledge the adventurous spirit of my Grandmothers and what it has given me as a human on this amazing planet.

4 C’s for the Big Picture

There was one rock to miss. It was right in the middle of the raging river drawing my kayak to it like a magnet. I bounced off it hard, somehow managing to stay in the boat. I was rattled and the next few minutes were frantically reactive. I lost my awareness of the river, instead focussing on what was right in front of me. When a similar thing happens to pilots, they call it ‘getting behind the plane’. Decisions come late and each error compounds into the next. The ‘big picture’ disappears.

When many of my clients and friends in Western Australia describe business/life at the moment, it has the same feel. In many ways we are late to the Global COVID party. Now it’s here. Many clients work in disability and aged care services and now have positive cases. There’s deep concern for the wellbeing of people they provide services to and their staff. It’s rapidly evolving. Decisions have real consequences. They are reacting to a daily shifting landscape.

When we end up reactive and working ‘close to our nose’, just like the paddler and pilot, we lose perspective. Work seems somehow harder and less meaningful as reactivity forces us away from purpose and meaning - just dealing with the next thing.

Leaders can mitigate some of this for themselves and the people they lead with 4 C’s

• Clarity - rather the crystal clear version of clarity, think lighthouse in a thick fog. If a clear picture is not possible, provide clarity about direction and things to avoid. Give people clear priorities that reduce the pressure of decision making in the heat of the moment.

• Communication - talk to the team and keep them informed. It’s almost impossible to over communicate in high consequence fast moving environments. Make it as clear and brief as possible.

• Connection - Links to purpose/mission, each other and a sense of hope can all erode if playing too close to your nose. Be kind. Show you care. Value results. Remind each other of purpose. 

• Calm - The US Navy SEALs say ‘Calm is contagious’. Whatever the situation, panic or calm are choices. One advantage of a team is that when I am losing it, you will be calm. That will calm me. Later, I will share my calm with you. Breathe and slow down a little. We can easily get caught up in fever pitch. 

If you could benefit from the 4C’s right now, reach out. It would be my pleasure to give you some time. Book via the link or return email.

The Leadership Closet

A newly appointed senior leader showed me her closet. 

Actually it was just the knobs on the doors. She’d proudly installed them herself (and done a mighty fine job of it). We talked about why After all, her organisation has a maintenance team for exactly that kind of work. 

Turns out the knobs were a symptom of something many of us experience when we reach a new level of leadership. We are not 100% sure what to do! It freaks us out at a subconscious level. Feeling incompetent has deep roots in human experience. In harsher times, incompetence could equate to death or alienation. It’s risky territory. 

In the face of that feeling we often default to the familiar ‘tools’ of the level below, or tasks we can obviously do, like the door knobs. Usually our motivation is good. “I don’t want to overload others”,  and “I want to be helpful”. Here’s the problem though, others experience it as micro management. It seems like you don’t trust them to get the job done.

If you are a leader at a new level, ride out your own discomfort. Thank people for the little things you could have done yourself. Watch, ask and learn. Those precious early days when you are not yet sure of yourself in the role and others extend understanding are a great time to build the relationships and knowledge for your leadership later. 

Ask: How can I clear the way for others to do their best work? What can I learn about this organisation and my place in it? What were previous leaders at this level respected or reviled for?

In the recent hot weather, Mike has been getting questions about staying hydrated, this link has his reply.

Everything depends on it…

And over the past two years it has taken a massive beating. 

It’s Psychological Safety. 

Unlike physical safety which can be more readily seen, measured and mitigated - Psychological Safety is more about how safe something feels. As a young outdoors instructor I often saw people deeply concerned about the safety of abseiling down a 50 metre cliff, and yet quite happy to jump in a raft to shoot some rapids.

 If you are using properly rigged and rated gear, the abseil is very low risk. It becomes quite a predictable environment from a physical safety point of view. But we are born with a hard wired fear of falling from height. That’s smart design isn’t it - especially given the consequences! The barriers are almost all psychological and it feels very unsafe and exposed. Rapids on the other hand can be way riskier. And yet it seems easier for most of us to trust the boat and jump in.

In the workplace Psychological Safety impacts many elements contributing to bottom line:

• Dealing with conflict

• Contributing innovative ideas

• Spotting and correcting physical safety issues

• Giving and receiving useful feedback

• Developing new skills

• Pointing out potential flaws in a product or plan

• Taking responsibility/accountability for results

• Giving honest estimates of time required for projects

• Open conversations about budgets, strategy, tactics and opportunities

If people don’t feel safe to do these things and more without experiencing negative kickback, they are likely to find any reason not to do them. What you say, or what the official policy is doesn’t make much difference to this. It’s all about feel. 

How would you rate the Psychological Safety of your workplace, especially after the assaults of the last 2 years? If you’d like a practical 20 point checklist to measure and improve it, send me a message and I’d be happy to send you one.

What's the Motivation?

“It’s easier when you are motivated internally.”

 It was a simple statement from a coaching client who has recently made some great progress on an area of focus. We talked about what had shifted, and the main change was moving from an externally motivated agenda to an internal decision shared with his partner. 

External motivations are usually accompanied by ‘could, should, must’. Less often by ‘will’. It’s also the sort of motivation that fades. This theme shows up over and over. As a survival instructor, you could see it in the difference between people who took action on the things they could control, rather than blaming circumstances, team members or instructors.

James Clear, author of the best seller Atomic Habits says

“The key to building lasting habits is focusing on creating a new identity first. Your current behaviors are simply a reflection of your current identity. What you do now is a mirror image of the type of person you believe that you are (either consciously or subconsciously).”

He says external motivation will last a short time. Identity based motivation is much more durable, because you embody what/who you are becoming. Habits are the actions that go with the identity, and also supply the evidence that you are becoming that person.

Brené Brown’s incredible work on vulnerability, perfectionism and shame has led her to a similar conclusion.

 “When we develop expectations, we paint a vivid picture in our head of how things are going to be, look and feel, and—riskiest of all—how the people around us will behave and respond. "I'm going to lose 10 pounds before my reunion, so I can knock their socks off!" But what happens if you're like me, and you realize the day before the reunion, "Dang! I forgot to lose those 10 pounds!" Your excitement may turn to dread. Equally upsetting: What if you do drop the weight and not a single person loses his socks?”

Brené rightly points out that that’s a recipe for resentment and shame. Not very motivating! 

If you’d like to change something, check out your motivation. Can you make it internal? How would you strengthen the identity that goes with that?

Brené Brown interviews James Clear here. It’s worth a listen.